In all the research that I did into preventing premature ejaculation, one of the subjects that kept bobbing up was “mindset”. Our mind and our body are inimately connected – in fact you often hear scientists speak of the “mind body connection”. This is relevant as far as premature ejaculation- which simply means reaching orgasm before you ideally want to – is concerned because one of the largest contributors to premature ejaculation is a negative mindset.
It’s not surprising when you think about it. Our minds rule our bodies. If we are sad, we cry. If we are happy, we smile . And, yes, if we have the wrong mindset then we men can climax too early during sex. Here’s how it works, and I will speak quite personally about the matter.
I was someone who used to reach orgasm too soon. I was acutely aware of this knew this and was always hyper conscious of the fact that I wished I could last longer and satisfy myself and my partners more. This was the baggage that I carried going into every sexual encounter. Even before foreplay had begun – as soon as the opportunity to have sex has arisen – in the back of my mind was always the nagging thought, “This time I have to last longer than I have in the past.” You see, already, either consciously or subconsciously, my performance was tainted with negative emotion. It was providing extra pressure that I didn’t really need. Before sex Iwas thinking about foreplay, during foreplay I was thinking about how I was going to satisfy my partner, and all the while at the back of my mind was the overshadowing question, “Am I going to come too soon?”.
What is required is to always be in the present so that we can avoid the negative emotion that’s brought on by thinking about what has happened in the past, or what might happen the next time we have sex.
Totally aside from sex, you can witness how we just about always operate on auto-pilot. Everyday, we’re taking ourselves out of the present and into the future when we really don’t need to. Walking down the street and we’re thinking of work, at work we’re thinking about sex, during sex…well, we know what you’re thinking about during sex. The point is, to fully relax and focus and enjoy sex for long periods, you need to be in the present. Inadvertently thinking about what might happen – coming too quickly – takes your focus off what is actually happening: you’re moving up the stimulation scale. This in turn stifles your ability to identify how close you are to orgasm which in turn makes preventing premature ejaculation impossible.
So here is a technique that has one simple goal: to increase your self-awareness and always bring you back into the present during sex. It needs to be used during the plateau stage of sex, the hard part, where keeping control of yourself is the most important and difficult. What you need to do is, every now and then, ask yourself a couple of simple questions in your head. “Do I feel tense or relaxed?” and “How close am I to reaching orgasm?”. It’s really important that you say these questions in your head and not just “think” them. Actually say each word. The first question uses a simple psychological principle to relax you and focus you on the situation at hand. If, after asking yourself if you feel tense, you notice your shoulders are tight, or that you’re tensing your stomach when it’s not necessary, you don’t need to think of what to do next: your shoulders automatically drop and your tense mid-section relaxes. Asking yourself the second question, “How close am I to reaching orgasm?” is something you should be doing throughout sex – identifying where you are on the stimulation scale. This brings you into the present and focuses you.
So, if you’re committed to preventing premature ejaculation, then I’d strongly encourage you to examine the mindset that you’re taking into each sexual encounter – and by asking questions of yourself (aloud in your mind) that will bring you back to the present moment.